Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Believing

I am truly envious of those who have faith in something with out faltering. To believe in something with all of your heart so that it shapes your life must be fulfilling.  To have a calling or something that you know you are supposed to be a part of.  It could be religion.  We all know people who are so devout in their faith and are deeply rooted in their church family.  It could be a talent or an occupation.  We know artists that were born to paint and people who were born to be on stage.  Doctors that are so devoted to their patients and or any other person who just KNOWS that "whaterver" is they were destined to do.

I have never found that calling.

My Mom was all about the church on the surface.  Just one day out of the blue she decided to start going to church again and stuck with it.  She has tried a few other things but never got off the ground, so I think she turned to the church to be involved in something outside of the home.  She said novenas constantly and went to mass every Saturday.  She would spend about two hours putting her hair up in old lady brush rollers, putting on her make up, and getting all dressed up for church.  She had dozens of purses and shoes to match each and every church outfit.  She was an officer in the Catholic Daughters and volunteered to count money in the rectory once a week. I only have one memory of her faltering.  When my grandpa passed away, my Mom stood over his casket crying that she didn't know where here Daddy was now.  My cousins gasped and were taken aback with this uncertainty coming from her.  "Well, he's with the Lord!" my Mom's niece said.  Maybe that is when my doubt began because if my Mom of all people had doubts, what did that mean??

If you asked me what was my dream or what did I want to be when I grew up, my answer is I don't know.  I went to college for two years under general studies because I didn't know.  There were only a handful of us in general studies because it seemed everyone else had decided their path long ago.  I liked accounting and was very good at it, but did I like it enough to commit to it?  No.  I liked photography but that seemed like something whimsical and not a real thing to study at college.  Being a teacher sounded rewarding, but also daunting at the same time.  Eventually I landed in vocational school and studied data processing and accounting clerk because I had to do something.

I had a clerical job for eleven years and then I became a stay at home mom.  I've always wanted to be a mom and I'm good at running the household.  The house is kept up, the kids are taken care of, the errands ran, the bills are paid on time.  We are debt free because of my money managing skills.  I love to bake and have toyed with the idea of being an in home Cake Lady, but then a few bad apples ruined that idea.  I LOVE to sing and I do have a good voice.  I was in the community choir for years and loved it, but with the kids the schedule is impossible to continue.  The thought of singing for anyone terrifies me.  I enjoy going to the gym and lifting weights.  It makes me very happy, but I am not dedicated enough to take that in a career direction either.  I guess you could say I have my apples in baskets all over the place and have never been able to focus on one thing.

Even now, at 42, if you asked me what is my dream job?  What would I do if I could be anything in the world?  Besides being a Mom, I don't know.


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1 comment:

Veronica Lee said...

I know exactly what you mean. I want to do every thing yet I cannot fully commit. Take my latest obsession for example - cookie decorating. I am not even sure why I'm doing it besides my love for art. I can't see myself doing this everyday if I were to seriously consider baking as a career.