Saturday, November 14, 2015

One year post thyroidectomy

What a roller coaster it has been.  No doubt, it's been a challenging year.  A life changing year.




Probably the only thing that has kept me going is keeping in mind that someone somewhere is always worse off.  Physical or emotional pain - there's someone experiencing much worse.  My situation may not be ideal, but there's someone facing harder challenges.  I've repeated that to myself over and over on bad days.  Cry a bit.  Take a deep breath.  Things will get better.  I can't give up because still have lots to do and little people who need me.  Slowly they have improved because I do not feel nearly as horrible as I did in the early months.

That's not to say it hasn't been a struggle. I never expected to feel this bad at only 43.  Ordinary things leave me feeling extraordinarily tired. I walked out mid Zumba class several times because I just couldn't do it.  I'd fight the tears to stay only to sit in my car in the parking lot crying and feeling completely defeated.  Although the drive to better myself was there, I physically could not.  I listened to my body and have scaled back my gym routine.  One of the gym ladies has told me several times she couldn't believe I still went.  That is what we do - adapt.  Not quit.  I can't let this win.  Perhaps this is my new level of normal and I will have to accept that if that is the case.  I will have to find a way to keep up.  I've been lifting more weights and doing less cardio.  If I can't sweat it out, I'll get stronger.  But.... even that is hard some days.  I'm still holding on to the hope that eventually we'll find the magic combination of meds.  I DO feel better now compared to earlier this year, so that is a step in the right direction.  Maybe I'll never feel as I did five years or even two years ago, and I'll just have to find a way to be okay with that.  After all, I am still here......

I've quickly learned that dwelling on being unwell made things worse.  I've tried not to let it consume me.  I've tried not to have the "why me?" thoughts.  I won't say I haven't had them at all, but feeling sorry for myself just drains me of energy I don't have to spare.  I've done my best to keep up the appearance of a normal routine as best as I can.  Complaining constantly wasn't going to get me anywhere, so I  kept it to myself.  No one likes a sad sack.  I've tried very hard to stay positive and not let this bring me way down, My kids don't need a sad mamma. Again, reminding myself it could be worse, much worse.  I am still here and have made adjustments. Some days are better than others and I can't say I feel fantastic ever.  When I have a bad day, I try to remember tomorrow is another day and hopefully a good day.

Ironically, it's been a year since my surgery to remove something growing abnormally and I find myself once more waiting for that call - waiting for lab results to come back.  I'm hoping to not hear the words 'abnormal' again.  I'm sticking with my coping mechanism.  Somewhere someone has already gotten bad news and is far off worse than me.

Y'all keep reminding me of that, okay?






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Thursday, November 12, 2015

That time of year....

Poor Veronica just can't seem to catch a break!  She's been sick for nearly two months with congestion and a cough.  I waited it out at first thinking it was just a cold and would resolve on it's own.  After about a month, I brought her to the doctor to discover that in addition to her very red throat, she had not one, but a double ear infection.  After a week on Amoxicillin, she wasn't any better, so we went back to the doctor.  She still had an ear infection, her throat didn't look any better, and she had a touch of bronchitis.  Veronica was given Zithromax and prednisone, so I thought for sure that would knock it out.  Wrong!  She did get better, but she never got completely over it.  She still had the junky cough and congestion.  This morning, she woke up and looked at me with sick eyes.  Moms, you know what I'm talking about.  Puffy face and droopy eyes.  She coughed and coughed.  Veronica said she wanted to go to school, but instead I decided we'd pay the doctor a third visit.  To my surprise, Veronica tested positive for the FLU!  Yes, the dreaded flu.  Sigh.  Of course she's contagious, so now it's just a waiting game to see who else in the household will catch it.  Most likely.... me. For now, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and dosing myself with vitamin C!!
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Saturday, November 07, 2015

Your Window

I throw rocks at your window 
Every day I toss softly 
Tap tap tap 
My words are tiny pebbles 
That
Tap tap tap
On your smooth pane of glass
As I patiently wait

The chips left in the glass
Unnoticed
You glance out the window briefly
And walk away damage unseen 
As am I

I choose a bigger rock 
Tears fall as I throw harder
Louder
Bigger rocks
Thud
The glass wavers
Spreading cracks across
The window pane

You glance at the window
As if nothing were amiss 
And silently turn away 
As if I'm not there
Heaving rocks 
Chipping away at our existence

Time gives the stones momentum 
Becoming boulders 
Growing upon each silent day
The burden I carry alone
I cast my rocks unnoticed 
Until 
Time takes its toll 

Shattered at my feet lies broken
Shards of glass
There's nothing left to crack
No more rocks to carry
No more stones to throw 
We are Broken beyond repair 

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Friday, November 06, 2015

China

China, all the way to New York
I can feel the distance getting close
You're right next to me
but I need an airplane
I can feel the distance as you breathe

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build the Great Wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
But you just look away in the distance

China decorates our table
Funny how the cracks don't seem to show
Pour the wine dear
You say we'll take a holiday
But we never can agree on where to go

Sometimes I think you want to me to touch you
But how can I when you build the Great Wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
But you just look away in the distance

China all the way to New York
Maybe you got lost in Mexico
You're right next to me
I think that you can hear me
Funny how the distance learns to grow

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
But how can I when you build the Great Wall around you

I can feel the distance getting close





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