Saturday, December 16, 2017

Not a Christmasy post

Do you ever feel like no one listens to you?  Or maybe they listen but they don't really hear you?

This is not a very Christmasy post.

But I am tired.  I often do not feel well.  Various aches and pains that come along with being a forth-five year old woman.  Vein disease sucks and I need to have another procedure on my left leg because it hurts constantly.  But the first two procedures hurt terribly so I don't wanna.  The thyroid surgery really threw a wrench into my life plan.  There is no tired like this no-thyroid tired.  The Hashimotos symptom list is long and I have many of them.  I still feel dizzy and foggy often.  But I manage.  I don't complain (much.) I do not always feel well but I do not dwell on it because it is what it is.  I am better than I was at first.  I am "okay."

Even on very bad days, I still get up and cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Make treats for the kids.  Clean up the kitchen mess afterwards.  Find a way to go to the gym, not entirely because I want to, but because I have to.  I feel so defeated sometimes in the classes I take because I feel just terrible, some things I can't do at all, but I stick it out anyway.   I take the low option, all the way, because some is better than none.  If I didn't, I would feel worse.  I run the errands, do all the shopping, do all the cooking, the dishes, the housework, and  the laundry.  Take out all the garbage.  An empty box will sit for weeks until I throw it out.  Ditto for a piece of trash on the floor.  I drive the kids to school, pick them up from after school activities, bring them to dance classes, and appointments.  The bills are paid.  I feed and clean up after our three cats.   I make all the plans and decisions because otherwise we'd do nothing and go nowhere.   If I don't say anything, nothing happens and time ticks away and no one makes a move or says a word.  I can't count how many times we've had plans that we bailed on because it became too late to go, all because I didn't light a fire under everyone.  My whole life is taking care of people and pets, getting everyone else moving, making sure everyone is happy, fed, clothed, and has what they need.

All the while, no one really takes care of me.  No one ever asks, "How are you?"  "Do you feel okay today?"  "What can I do to help you?"  "What do you want to do?"

I know it's all part of being a MOM but some days are so hard.  It's exhausting.

I've asked my family to pitch in and help me - just sometimes.  Even having someone do something small like clear the junk off the table or get the dinner plates out would be one less thing I'd have to do.  I've told them time and time again - THIS is hard for me to do day after day, all by myself.  Please help, just a little.  I don't always feel well.  Instead, I end up standing on my aching leg in the kitchen doing the endless cooking, cleaning, etc., all alone.  Again and again.  Then, if I say anything at all or get upset about no one helping, I become the bad guy and get the silent treatment.

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