Wednesday, December 20, 2006

It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. I just feel so.... blah. I'm just not motivated to do anything. Usually I'm listening to Christmas music and looking forward to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. This year I'm just not into it. And I feel bad because I want Valerie to have a GREAT holiday. I want it to be special for her, but I find I'm forcing myself to be festive....or pretending. I'm just not myself anymore.

I felt so sad walking around the mall this morning. There's all the holiday decorations, Christmas music playing, fab sales, people.... I'm usually so into that stuff. This year, I'm just here. I know by next week I'll feel like I missed Christmas. I just don't feel good. I'm so tired all of the time. I want to be cheerful. I want to enjoy being pregnant. I want to love Christmas. But so far, I'm not.

Maybe it's hormones. or a chemical imbalance. I just don't know what to do about it.

I realized last night that in just about 10 weeks I will be full term. Ten weeks. That doesn't seem long at all.

I'm starting to freak out about experiencing birth again. It was not exactly pleasant. Although I do know more about what to expect, I know I'll panic anyway.

I'm starting to freak about caring for a newborn again. Valerie was such an easy baby. What if Veronica is not?? How will I handle dealing with a newborn and Valerie by myself day after day??

How will Valerie handle a baby in the house? I don't want her to feel left out. How will she handle our attention being diverted to another baby? Val is the center of everything now... I feel guilty already.

And we have no plan on what to do with Valerie when I go into labor. My parents are the only ones who are able to keep her long term. But what if I need to go to the hospital in the middle of the night.... then what? They can't drive all the way here in the dark and what if there's no time to take Val to their house? We need to figure this out soon.... I will be so worried about her.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous2:20 PM

    Mom and I were talking about that the other day what you are going to to with Val while you are in the hospital. I've been thinking about that as well ... think she would stay with us overnight? Not sure of what to do during the day yet .. trying to figure out how I can help there ... but I don't mind taking her in the evenings on the way home from work and bringing her back the day on my way in if that would help out any.

    You will do fine in birth. I was there lasttime and you really did great, Mel. But, just start teaching Clint how to count to ten so that way it will be less stressful for you this go round (haha). YOU WILL DO FINE IN BIRTH.

    And, don't feel guilty. Melanie, you are giving Val a sibling .. someone she'll have as family long after you guys are gone. You will do fine splitting time between them, and with you staying home, while Veronica is sleeping, you can have Val time. IT WILL WORK OUT and Val will adjust. Don't sweat the small stuff because it isn't worth sweating anyway.

    You need to know that if you need ANYTHING you can call me.