Tuesday, August 18, 2009

12 Dancing Princesses!!

Okay, so maybe not twelve... how about two? Two dancing princesses!!

Monday night was the first dance class! I will admit I was a tad bit apprehensive about Veronica. We all know how -- moody she can be, to put it nicely. I could just picture blood curdling screams as I shut the dance room door. Did she cry? - yes. But it wasn't as bad as I thought. The girls were making a circle, and some little girl raced (like she was on fire) to snatch Valerie's hand. Thus locking little Veronica completely out of the circle. Poor darling. Roni's little face just crumbled and she burst into tears. Luckily the instructor caught on and fixed the situation, but Roni stood there with a grumpy look on her face for a while after that. Valerie surprised me though. Val kept patting Roni on the head and telling her it was ok, not to cry. She was actually looking out for and comforting her little sister!! The things they do when Mommy isn't near by to save the day. More tears came when a similar thing happened making a "train" to go around the room. Val snatched Veronica by the hand though and pulled her along. It was quite funny, but so sweet. By the end of class, all was good. I think (hope) Veronica will get better and more comfortable over time.

I was a little sad that there are only a few of the girls from last year in their class. Many of the other (younger) girls moved up, which made me wonder why Valerie was left behind in the baby class? She did just as good if not better than some of the others last year. I hope Val doesn't get bored. She is the biggest and probably the oldest in her class this year. I suppose it will be that way often in school since her birthday falls so late in the year. She will always be a year older than her peers, sort of anyway. It doesn't help that she's so big for her age. Somebody asked me the other day, "what grade is she in this year? second or first?" Ummm neither... four year old pre-k!! She's only four people.

Sunday, August 16, 2009


Friday Baking with Not Quite June Cleaver!

Yum yum!! These cookies were so tasty and so easy to make. I also liked that the recipe didn't make a gazillion cookies, because we don't need to eat that many!! I did make one small change, as per request by the two princesses. Pink icing and sprinkles. 'Cuz everything in life is better with sprinkles!!! So I was happy to oblige...

Monday, August 10, 2009

First Day of School!!

Preschool, here she comes! I'm sure Val will come home bubbling with excitement.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Penny for your thoughts

August 2 was the anniversary of my Mom's death. On August 3, we spent the afternoon running around town. The Girls needed new tennis shoes and dancing shoes. In the few hours we were out and about, I found twelve pennies. At the dance studio, I found pennies scattered all around the car. They popped up in random places through out the afternoon.

Friday the five of us (Clint, my Dad, Val, Roni, and myself) took a road trip to New Orleans and visited the aquarium. As we were walking to the parking garage at the end of the day, I happen to glance over at a window ledge and what do I see? Five pennies. They were sitting there in sort of an arc. Five cents ~ one for each of us.

Coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe not.

No clue what I'm getting at?? My Mom always said when you found a penny, it meant an angel was thinking about you. I have a container full of pennies that have found me over the past year.

This also showed up in my inbox this past week:

I found a penny today
Laying on the ground.
But it's not just a penny,
This little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven,
that's what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels toss them down.
Oh, how I loved that story.

He said when an Angel misses you,
They toss a penny down;
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
To make a smile out of your frown.

So, don't pass by that penny
When you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven
That an Angel's tossed to you.

So now pass this on to people you care about
And who you feel are Angels to you.
I just did.
An Angel is now watching over you.
Have A Great Day!
So, do pennies from heaven exist? What do you think?

Sunday, August 02, 2009


A year.

A year, today. A year since I said goodbye.

Three hundred sixty five days. Gone.

I am not sure how I feel. This day has been closing in on me for a while, like a dark cloud approaching from a distance. I wish I could just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and let the day pass me by. It's hard to believe a year has passed. It seems like so long, yet how can it be a year already? It still seems ..... impossible. Unthinkable. I still wake up from a dream and think wow, it really did happen. She is gone. At times I still feel like I could pick up the phone and she'll be on the line. Or she'll walk in my front door calling out to the girls, "Yoo hoo, guess who's here?" Or if I wait long enough, joybelltwo will pop online in Yahoo IM.

But no, she is silent. Forever silent.

It's been a really hard year. I think about all she has missed. All the times we have missed her. Grief's cold hands have been around my throat tightening unexpectedly. The smallest thing can knock the wind out of me and make me pause to collect myself. The tall, thin lady with the hairstyle. The woman at the grocery store dressed for church. A smile from an older lady in passing... The other day I passed a woman walking in the Dollar Store and I turned and stared and thought my Mom had a shirt just like that. It was from JC Pennys. It's now hanging in my closet and I have worn it. I find myself noticing older women and thinking she must be my Mom's age. And she's still here. And my Mom is not.

I don't know if it has gotten any easier. At times, maybe. At times, I think I am ok. At times I pretend everything is ok. There have been "good" days when I think maybe I am moving past the sadness. Others, it seem so overwhelming and dark and lonely and no one understands. There is just always the feeling that something is missing. That lingering emptiness. The unspoken sadness of my Mom not being a part of our lives anymore is always there hanging over my head. I still think of things and say to myself that Mom would know the answer to that.... Valerie still talks about her a lot, which I'm glad. I hope she keeps those memories forever. There really hasn't been a single day this past year that I didn't wonder why this happened. Although I know. People die and that's that. Often unexpectedly. I just never thought I would be motherless at 35. My grandparents lived to be in their 90s. My Grandfather was 104. Given the history, I always thought my parents would follow with longevity.

We still have not managed to sort through all of her things. We started earlier in the year and got rid of a good bit. Quite honestly it makes me angry to look at all the stuff she had. All the junk. All the things she had for 'just in case' or was saving for later. She will never need any of it now. And we're having to deal with it all. She owned a ridiculous amount of things many times I have wondererd why in the hell did she keep this?? Because I often don't know and I wish I knew the meaning or the value it had to her. There is so much meaningless stuff... but yet it still means so much to me. It's just overwhelming trying to figure out what to do with it all. It's very draining to look through all of her memories. I guess that is why we keep putting it off.

Maybe someday I will come full circle. And it will be easier. Maybe someday it will get better.

Or maybe not.