Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Parentless parenting

These were taken on our last Christmas as a whole family of six.  2007, which seems so long ago.

I never dreamed I would be motherless at the young age of 35.  I stood by her bed as she took her last breath.  My kids were just babies.  Their lives were just beginning, and their only living grandmother's was ending.  Her sudden decline and death was such a shock and a tragic event that it turned everything upside down.  It was a very, very long time before I was OK.

These were taken on our last Christmas as a family of five.  2010, which doesn't seem so long ago.

It happened again.  At 39, I became completely parentless.  My kids became grandparentless as I watched my Dad slip away.  He died quietly alone behind a closed bedroom door because none of us could bear to watch. I think he would have understood.  I still don't know if I am OK.

Even now there are those tiny moments when it hits me that they are really gone.  Both of them are really gone.  It seemed impossible.  It didn't seem like something they could actually do - die.  But they did. I try to think of them in a happy way and remember the funny stories.  But the feeling of loss is still there.  And I miss them oh so very much.

I wonder if they are really watching over us.  Perhaps their life energy is somewhere.  Or maybe they are just gone. (?)

There are so many things that I wish I could share with them - that only they would understand.  A memory will sneak up on me, and I wish they were here to ask if they remember too.

I wish they were here this Christmas to make more memories with my girls.

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