Thursday, October 22, 2015

Death changes everything; time changes nothing

When I flip the calendar to October, seeing the 22nd always leaves me with a sinking feeling.  I try not to think about it because dwelling on it will accomplish nothing.  Today will come no matter what, and I'll move on.  Sometimes I feel guilty that we kept going on like nothing happened.  We took his things, emptied his house, and erased his very physical existence.  All that's left of him are memories and a block of marble in the mausoleum with his name on it.  

The 22nd is just one of those days that just re-plays over in my mind. It's just at random times the thoughts just come. Regrets are few, but I still wonder if we should have done things differently that day.  I realize no matter what we would have done, the outcome would have been the same.  I feel a little guilty that we just left him alone in his room to go quietly.  Val and Roni were so little and that was part of why we kept the door closed. I did not want them to see Poppi in his last moments.  I know he would have understood.  He didn't want anyone making a fuss over him ever.  But... maybe he was afraid... and we left him all alone.  Maybe we should have given him more morphine.  Maybe we should have called hospice right away.  Maybe we should have cancelled hospice and taken him to the hospital.  Although there they would have stuck him with needles and monitors and run tests for no reason because there was nothing to do for him.  I know nothing would have changed the end result, but I still have those 'what if' thoughts from time to time.

Four years.  It feels like I just saw him.  I was just sitting on the porch waiting for his gray Honda Civic turn so slowly around the corner.  He just came to visit and I was just chatting with him on Yahoo IM.  It seems he was just telling me about feeling tired, oh so tired.  I can still hear him telling silly jokes and playing with my kids.  I hope I never forget this sound of his voice.

Miss you, Dad.... today and always.  

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1 comment:

  1. So sorry for your loss. You did the right thing. Time and time again, I am told that nobody wants to spend their last moments in the hospital.