Saturday, November 14, 2015

One year post thyroidectomy

What a roller coaster it has been.  No doubt, it's been a challenging year.  A life changing year.

Probably the only thing that has kept me going is keeping in mind that someone somewhere is always worse off.  Physical or emotional pain - there's someone experiencing much worse.  My situation may not be ideal, but there's someone facing harder challenges.  I've repeated that to myself over and over on bad days.  Cry a bit.  Take a deep breath.  Things will get better.  I can't give up because still have lots to do and little people who need me.  Slowly they have improved because I do not feel nearly as horrible as I did in the early months.

That's not to say it hasn't been a struggle. I never expected to feel this bad at only 43.  Ordinary things leave me feeling extraordinarily tired. I walked out mid Zumba class several times because I just couldn't do it.  I'd fight the tears to stay only to sit in my car in the parking lot crying and feeling completely defeated.  Although the drive to better myself was there, I physically could not.  I listened to my body and have scaled back my gym routine.  One of the gym ladies has told me several times she couldn't believe I still went.  That is what we do - adapt.  Not quit.  I can't let this win.  Perhaps this is my new level of normal and I will have to accept that if that is the case.  I will have to find a way to keep up.  I've been lifting more weights and doing less cardio.  If I can't sweat it out, I'll get stronger.  But.... even that is hard some days.  I'm still holding on to the hope that eventually we'll find the magic combination of meds.  I DO feel better now compared to earlier this year, so that is a step in the right direction.  Maybe I'll never feel as I did five years or even two years ago, and I'll just have to find a way to be okay with that.  After all, I am still here......

I've quickly learned that dwelling on being unwell made things worse.  I've tried not to let it consume me.  I've tried not to have the "why me?" thoughts.  I won't say I haven't had them at all, but feeling sorry for myself just drains me of energy I don't have to spare.  I've done my best to keep up the appearance of a normal routine as best as I can.  Complaining constantly wasn't going to get me anywhere, so I  kept it to myself.  No one likes a sad sack.  I've tried very hard to stay positive and not let this bring me way down, My kids don't need a sad mamma. Again, reminding myself it could be worse, much worse.  I am still here and have made adjustments. Some days are better than others and I can't say I feel fantastic ever.  When I have a bad day, I try to remember tomorrow is another day and hopefully a good day.

Ironically, it's been a year since my surgery to remove something growing abnormally and I find myself once more waiting for that call - waiting for lab results to come back.  I'm hoping to not hear the words 'abnormal' again.  I'm sticking with my coping mechanism.  Somewhere someone has already gotten bad news and is far off worse than me.

Y'all keep reminding me of that, okay?

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1 comment:

  1. Hang in there, girl! You are stronger than you think!

    Praying for you and sending lots of hugs!